April 23

There was a dream,
& one day I could see it.
Like a bird in a cage, I broke out & demanded that somebody free it.
And there was a kid,
with a head full of doubt.
So I'll scream till I die & the last of those bad thoughts are finally out.

Decide what you'll be and go be it. 

Words like this get me through group projects that make me want to tear my brain out.

Last week was rough and so I wrote a lot, but I couldn't make myself write about negative things because my people surrounded me with love and all the bad things went away. I am so thankful to have a circle of friends and family that love me perfectly and make me feel like the luckiest. 

April 3

Today was about

exhaling.

Because nothing feels better than developing vision and realizing that the things that you have been dreaming about for years are actually becoming reality. And realizing that they actually can happen. Oh. MY. God.

AND now that everything is falling into place, I can finally play the piano and paint. I was reading the other day about my enneagram type (four) and it acknowledged that angsty, emotional people such as myself should create because it helps. I feel that. I'll probably take a stab at the cello too because I'm feeling invincible.

March 18

I am feeling so full of angst today. I literally woke up sweating, in a panic that I am wasting my life away and the feeling won't go away. I think its okay to have these day sometimes, although I really don't love it, I'm trying to embrace it as normal. I am extremely melodramatic- feelings. feelings. feelings. & I wouldn't trade my over dramatic, dark sensationalized days for not being able to feel so powerfully happy on other days. I just keep telling myself, its okay that you feel this way.... for the love of god, who wouldn't feel this way on month #7 of a miserable winter.

So I woke up and I texted a handful of people, "does life have meaning?"
See? Dramatic.
Life does have meaning. I think. But today is a dark one, and that's okay. It really is okay to feel sad and full of angst some days because life is really confusing and unfair and sometimes no fun at all. 

March 11

Tonight in class we watched a documentary on the ex-President of Doctors Without Borders- Dr. James Orbinski and his experiences in Somalia and Rwanda.

He was in Somalia during the famine in the early 90's. Unimaginable suffering. Orbinski was talking with the head of an orphanage and he asked him, why do you do this work? He answered, "These children have lost everything, but they are still seeds. Seeds for tomorrow's Somalia, and tomorrow's Somalia will be better." All over, tomorrow's will be better. I believe that, it's impossible not to.

Then he was talking with future physicians in Rwanda. One of the men told Orbinski about a conversation he had with his mother. She asked him, "how will you do this work when you know how many of your own have perished?" The Rwandan man's response was beautiful! He said," it takes effort to surpass yourself."

A thought that I will challenge myself with daily. Because it does take effort, and I haven't survived genocide, so if he can surpass himself then I most definitely can too. There are no perfect answers to lives questions but everyday, I feel like I am understanding the lens to which see through life better. It is not heroic to give our lives to others; it's decent, it's normal, it's human. & its where we become alive. 

March 6

"You were a million years of work,"
Said God and His angels, with needle and thread.

They kissed your head and said,
"You're a good kid and you make us proud.
So just give your best and the rest will come,
And we'll see you soon."

I think that this is the most beautiful way of seeing ourselves. 
I have been too of-this-world for the past year- refusing to believe in anything bigger, refusing to engage spiritually in anything.
I caught myself telling friends today my job seems hopeless. I told them that the cycle of poverty only perpetuates itself and these high schoolers that I spend everyday aren't going to make it. 
Then, I put my headphones in and started walking to the bus stop. When I walk down the street listening to music, I am literally the happiest person on the planet. I caught myself thinking, I am living heaven on earth! I thought about all the people I love and just. felt. happy. 
And then I felt really bad for what I had said about the kids I was on my way to be with. If I am being honest with myself, it really does seem hopeless. There is a handful of 14+ year olds that can barely read or write and instead of investing or being afraid for their futures, I have chosen to numb myself to their lives. Because they seem too hard, too devastating, too full of disappointment. It is easier for me just to not engage, because at every turn, there is a closed door, a dead sibling, a father in prison. 

I am committing, right now to be hopeful for them. I am committing to engage with the spiritual side of me that allows me to believe in what I cannot see. Because each one of them was a million years of work, and we can't just go wasting that. It is difficult to work with poor kids but it is impossible if we don't believe in them. Too many people have written them off, and with all that's in me, I refuse to do that any more. It will be harder and sadder for sure, but it will be more real and I think, more beautiful.