Vishnumati river is back and better than ever.
May 2
I've just recently noticed that I spend a lot of time learning about really depressing shit. I know why I do it- because I don't want to become complacent and because I always want to feel. But it has slowly become to much and I am losing sight of the overwhelming hope that walks hand-in-hand with turmoil. It is important to remind ourselves that joy has the power to drive out sadness, and that there is a peace which creates hope, and hope keeps us from giving up. It's very seldom that I can make myself think hopeful thoughts when I consider all the horrible shit that is happening in this world, but it is so important to do. I want to cling to hope, I want so badly to believe that things will get better, the world will become more beautiful, and with each day, there will be more love and less hate. I believe it because I have to believe it. I believe in redemption, because I know people who deserve it and have not seen it. I want so badly for us to start learning from each other. It kills me more and more each day when I notice how good we have become at ignoring each other here in the states. There is little hope when there is no unity. Here, it is hard to feel that we are experiencing the dawn of a new day, because we very seldom talk to each other. So I am going to keep on trying. Keep on trying to remember hope, keep on trying to create peace, keep on trying to discover our shared humanity. In this chaos, I want to find simplicity.
March 23
Annnnnnnd...... exhale.
"Don't worry about the living place, I will manage it. We are also excited to see you both in Nepal again. Everybody is fine and happy from this message. You both are welcome to Nepal. Just come on Nepal we will take you to beautiful place and giving you lots of Nepali love too. Hehehehehe."
:)
"Don't worry about the living place, I will manage it. We are also excited to see you both in Nepal again. Everybody is fine and happy from this message. You both are welcome to Nepal. Just come on Nepal we will take you to beautiful place and giving you lots of Nepali love too. Hehehehehe."
:)
March 10
You two:
are the reason I am going to stop hanging onto this depression, or lack of emotions.
You,
are the reason I will live a good life in order to bring good into my life.
The reason I will stop being selfish,
the reason I will give all of me to the people.
When I stare at this picture of the two of you, I can't help but feel ashamed of my thoughts.
I will live a life worthy of our friendship.
Not based on circumstances, and unaffected by my frustrations.
Straight up joy.
I have encountered it in both of you,
and it makes me want to never stop.
I will draw inspiration from you, and smile more, laugh more and listen more.
I won't be envious, or prideful.
I will be simple and selfless.
I think of the lives that you are changing, and I want, more than anything to change lives like you have changed mine.
I miss you. Too much sometimes.
But I know that you are living in a beautiful way,
and I know that in order to feel more connected to you,
I must also chose to live like that.
February 21
DeLores Grace Henry--Henry, DeLores Grace Entered Heaven's gates on February 15, 2010. Preceded in death by her parents and husband. Survived by her 4 siblings, 6 children and 7 grandchildren, in whom she found great delight. As a family, we will be forever grateful for the past month, during which we were able to care for her, laugh with her, learn from her, and walk her home with both joy and sorrow. She will always be remembered for the way she celebrated every detail of our lives and extended unconditional love and grace to those around her. Until we see her again, we rest in knowing that God is near to us, and she is with God, so she cannot be far away. The family will privately celebrate her precious life on Friday, February 19, 2010
To honor her compassion, may I be more compassionate.
To honor her listening ear and her support, may I listen more and be more supportive.
For the people that only had her, may I be that person to those around me.
Love doesn't die, people do. So when all that is left of me is love, give me away.
Here's to my grandma, and my life to her love.
To honor her compassion, may I be more compassionate.
To honor her listening ear and her support, may I listen more and be more supportive.
For the people that only had her, may I be that person to those around me.
Love doesn't die, people do. So when all that is left of me is love, give me away.
Here's to my grandma, and my life to her love.
February 14
Yani: Okay, in honor of Valentines day, let's talk about who we love.
Harriet, who do you love?
Harriet: My shoes.
Trek, Who do you love?
Trek: Orange (the color)
Silas, who do you love?
Silas: This. (toy truck)
Abby, who do you love?
Abby: My mama.
Nico, who do you love?
Nico: Um, I love Telsey. (Kelsey)
Ahhh yes. That's more than enough for me.
Harriet, who do you love?
Harriet: My shoes.
Trek, Who do you love?
Trek: Orange (the color)
Silas, who do you love?
Silas: This. (toy truck)
Abby, who do you love?
Abby: My mama.
Nico, who do you love?
Nico: Um, I love Telsey. (Kelsey)
Ahhh yes. That's more than enough for me.
February 11
I love them all for so many reasons. I love that the five of us have created home and I love that we always need each other and that we always have each other.
I love Holli's deep understanding of others, and her huge heart for the destitute.
I love that no matter how I feel, I always feel better when I see my mom.
I love my mom's humor and her ability to never take life too seriously.
I love my dad's simplicity, and I love the moments when I see how much he cares about me.
I love that I have recently began to understand that Eric loves me as a little sister, and I love that I will always be ignorant and immature in his mind.
I love my mom's natural talent of befriending her students, and I love how she provides a safe place for so many of them.
I love Eric's bravery, and the fact that he has stood under so much and is such a remarkable man.
I love my dad's strange humor and I love his desire, and his often feeble attempts to understand the emotions of the three females he lives life with.
I love my dad's love and admiration for his mother.
I love having Holli as a sister and a friend who always has, and always will be right by my side.
I love how unique Holli is, and how unimpressed she is with the status quo.
I love that to me, my mom knows everything there is to know about life.
I love the joy Holli receives from her residents at work, and life in general.
I love seeing pieces of myself in all of them.
I love Holli's deep understanding of others, and her huge heart for the destitute.
I love that no matter how I feel, I always feel better when I see my mom.
I love my mom's humor and her ability to never take life too seriously.
I love my dad's simplicity, and I love the moments when I see how much he cares about me.
I love that I have recently began to understand that Eric loves me as a little sister, and I love that I will always be ignorant and immature in his mind.
I love my mom's natural talent of befriending her students, and I love how she provides a safe place for so many of them.
I love Eric's bravery, and the fact that he has stood under so much and is such a remarkable man.
I love my dad's strange humor and I love his desire, and his often feeble attempts to understand the emotions of the three females he lives life with.
I love my dad's love and admiration for his mother.
I love having Holli as a sister and a friend who always has, and always will be right by my side.
I love how unique Holli is, and how unimpressed she is with the status quo.
I love that to me, my mom knows everything there is to know about life.
I love the joy Holli receives from her residents at work, and life in general.
I love seeing pieces of myself in all of them.
February 7
A year ago today, I wasn't here. I was far away. The canvas was the Himalayas, I was on dusty roads, I was listening to horns and the only thing I could smell was the horrific aroma of the trash river a few feet away from my apartment. But most importantly, a year ago today was the day that I met the boys in the street, and what I wrote down was, "It wasn't until the moment that they were running at me screaming my name that I realized how much I need them." I feel so far from them now, and my need for them is something I find hard to understand.
What they helped me understand is that I have a well inside of me,
and when it is tapped into, waters come forth and they give me new life. I am missing them too much today, and finding it impossible to tap into this part of myself on my own. What I need to understand now, is that I will see them again.
The words I wrote out a year ago today were this:
We'll pray for Heavens floor to break,
pour the brightest white on blackest space,
Come bleeding gloriously through,
the clouds and the blue.
Forcing one thing from two,
killing formulaic views,
only love proves to be the truth.
Things are certainly a bit different now,
but my prayer always remains for heavens floor to break.
What they helped me understand is that I have a well inside of me,
and when it is tapped into, waters come forth and they give me new life. I am missing them too much today, and finding it impossible to tap into this part of myself on my own. What I need to understand now, is that I will see them again.
The words I wrote out a year ago today were this:
We'll pray for Heavens floor to break,
pour the brightest white on blackest space,
Come bleeding gloriously through,
the clouds and the blue.
Forcing one thing from two,
killing formulaic views,
only love proves to be the truth.
Things are certainly a bit different now,
but my prayer always remains for heavens floor to break.
February 4
Fear is being used in the most horrific ways. Politicians use fear to control us. Fear can persuade people to do almost anything. It is a horrible way to influence fellow humans, but its also very effective. The fact that we run to the doctor the second we feel pain, stems from fear. But what it does, is limits our understanding of what we are capable as human beings. Everything is diagnosed. Feelings, suddenly have a name, and a medication to go along with them. We are never forced to rely on our humanness alone. I remember in India, there are rickshaws being operated by barefoot men. They are hooked up to a seat, in which tourists sit, and they RUN around Calcutta with no shoes on to get these Westerners where they want to be. Mankind is strong. I have seen it. I have seen that we have the ability to survive hell. I have seen people do incredible things. It makes me so sad to see my culture keep us from discovering that about ourselves. I want to be at the end of my rope. I want to struggle, I have had enough of the comforts and easy street. All of this takes away from our humanness and I want to be humanized again.
January 30
A week ago,
I found out that my grandma is dying.
Her kidneys are shutting down.
She has always been a sort-of
behind the scenes role in my life. She never really told me how much she stands behind me,
but I always knew it.
And now,
she is in her dining room,
in a hospital bed,
dying &
so we go over there,
and sit by her bed, and listen to her, and she listens to us, and we talk about when we were younger, and when she was a girl, and she makes us laugh,
& then I leave her house,
and hate myself for how little time I have spent with her.
I have lived
the sweetest moments of my life
sitting next to her, sitting next to her bed.
A lot of the time,
I just look at her.
I've discovered her compassion, and realized that there is
noone
like her.
I asked her if she loved me,
she said,
"I absolutely do."
For now, I am trying to pretend that there is no tomorrow,
and trying to focus on the fact that the death looming over
us
doesn't matter as much as how stunning I find her,
or the fact
that death is about to take her,
so that we don't have her anymore.
This last week, I have been a mess,
in the midst of losing myself,
I talked to her on the phone and she said,
"anytime you have a problem, you can call me."
I'm going to miss that.
I am going to miss her.
I found out that my grandma is dying.
Her kidneys are shutting down.
She has always been a sort-of
behind the scenes role in my life. She never really told me how much she stands behind me,
but I always knew it.
And now,
she is in her dining room,
in a hospital bed,
dying &
so we go over there,
and sit by her bed, and listen to her, and she listens to us, and we talk about when we were younger, and when she was a girl, and she makes us laugh,
& then I leave her house,
and hate myself for how little time I have spent with her.
I have lived
the sweetest moments of my life
sitting next to her, sitting next to her bed.
A lot of the time,
I just look at her.
I've discovered her compassion, and realized that there is
noone
like her.
I asked her if she loved me,
she said,
"I absolutely do."
For now, I am trying to pretend that there is no tomorrow,
and trying to focus on the fact that the death looming over
us
doesn't matter as much as how stunning I find her,
or the fact
that death is about to take her,
so that we don't have her anymore.
This last week, I have been a mess,
in the midst of losing myself,
I talked to her on the phone and she said,
"anytime you have a problem, you can call me."
I'm going to miss that.
I am going to miss her.
January 26
I love who she is.
She is constantly seeking the good in other people.
It's not an effort.
It is who she is.
It is who she is,
to be simple,
It is who she is,
to never think of herself.
She is
the reason we're all still standing because she is always there,
wanting to listen,
wanting to offer her whole self to our well beings.
The way she loves,
is who she is.
Compassion is DeLores Henry,
because she feels your hurt,
and your happiness & you can see it in her eyes.
You can see deep hurt, and deep joy.
She carries the weight of the world.
She has a wide open heart.
She is good.
She is stunning.
She is constantly seeking the good in other people.
It's not an effort.
It is who she is.
It is who she is,
to be simple,
It is who she is,
to never think of herself.
She is
the reason we're all still standing because she is always there,
wanting to listen,
wanting to offer her whole self to our well beings.
The way she loves,
is who she is.
Compassion is DeLores Henry,
because she feels your hurt,
and your happiness & you can see it in her eyes.
You can see deep hurt, and deep joy.
She carries the weight of the world.
She has a wide open heart.
She is good.
She is stunning.
January 11
(Reason number five)
Soba. Soba has changed my life. & she has no idea. She is so much fun, she is spicy and brave and always sarcastic. She is not afraid to tell me when she needs help, or when she doesn't feel good. She wears her her emotions on her sleeve, and makes me want to do the same. She is real. Honest and always authentic. She forces me to love her, even when she knows I have nothing left. She challenges everyone around her, and angers and frustrates them, and two seconds later has them laughing at her. She is so dynamic and so so beautiful. She looked at me, and said, "Promise you will come back?" and keeping that promise to her is the reason. I admire her more than anyone in my life, she is intense and extremely brave. She can take on any thing and anybody. She is unafraid.
She is my inspiration each and everyday.
January 10
(Reason number four)
Bikash's stunning intelligence. He silently observes a lot and it wasn't until he trusted me that I found out he is completely hilarious. I have never met a child so smart, besides maybe his brother but neither of them boast or flaunt it. He is quite shy, and every time I felt closer to him, I felt like I was discovering a new part of him. He is complex, yet simple. His laugh alone is enough reason to make sure I make it back to Nepal. His deep voice, and his love for his friends. When I look at him, I always feel like there is so much more to be known about him. I am not sure where he came from, or who is in his family. He is polite, and so many Nepali people in the street or in the restaurant would pinpoint him and say, "This boy is very clever."
With empowerment, Bikash will absolutely change his nation.
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