skip to main |
skip to sidebar
(Reason number three)
Sanjay's raw boyhood. His seriousness and his deep raspy voice. I've always felt like the two of us had our own special bond, or understanding. He has an adorable laugh, and he always tries to hold it in. Sanjay was the first of the group to captivate me, and we spent the most time together the second summer I spent in Nepal. He holds me accountable to going back, even if he is India now. He loves being silly. I saw big changes in him after going back after 6 months. He was much taller and much more mature and grown up. He is a picture to me of how the lifestyle of these boys can rob childhood very quickly. I remember when the boys told me that him and his family were going to India, and the Thursday that would've been our last time spent together, he didn't show up. I made his brother, Bintu take me to their home. Sanjay was there, with his mother and father. His father was smoking hash, and his mother seemed rough around the edges. He was so embarrassed that I was there, and he held back his usual excitement. It really broke me. When I first met him, I was struck with how similar he was to the average 8-year-old, he was fascinated with paper airplanes and stickers, and when I saw him with his family just 6 months later, he seemed so much more serious. I'm not sure where he is now, or how he is doing. I hope he is in school, because I know he would thrive. I know that he changed my life, and taught me about loving with no reservations. I'm holding onto the hope that I will get to see him again.
(Reason number two)
This is Bintu and I only a few seconds after we had reunited for the first time in 6ish months. I love this picture, because it brings me back to those moments. We are on our way to find the other boys- you can't tell but we are both more excited than ever. When he saw me, he looked up- we made eye contact and he said.... "Kelsey??" I said, "Bintu?!!" And he said, "Lets go find Sanjay, Rakesh, Mukesh, etc, etc." When he saw the boys, he turned around to me and gestured to be quiet, because he wanted to be the one to tell them I was back in Thamel. Bintu's smile is stunning. He is so small, and such a thug. He has the strength of ten men, because his heart is pure. He protects everybody, and his love is masked in brutality. I always felt safe when I was with him, which is silly, because I tower over him. Bintu was born a leader. When he talks, everyone listens, even though even the boys younger then him, are much bigger than him. Everyone looks to him for direction, and he is easy to trust. This would have been the only time we ever held hands- like I said, he is much to tough for that. He is hilarious, and the maturity of his sense of humor matches his persona well. His is the rock. He can't be moved. He is not selfish, he is constantly making sure everyone is okay. He is cautious of new people, and it took awhile for him to let me in. He lets you know you better earn his trust. He makes it clear that he is smart and isn't going to let anyone pull the wool over his eyes. If he is loved, and grows in positive ways, I have all the confidence that he can change his nation. He possesses power that doesn't make sense. He has been living in oppression that typically leads to feelings of powerlessness, but he has risen up and I pray he continues to do so.
These next few are to answer the question to myself and others,
"Why do you love Nepal so much? What keeps you going back??"
(Reason number one)
Rakesh's sweet, sweet spirit. He knows he is a stud, and he knows his smile can get him just about anything he wants. He is one of the youngest out of the boys, and though he would like you to believe he is just as tough as the rest of them, I can tell that once he feels safe with you, all he wants to do is feel close. He loves holding hands, and is constantly making sure that whoever is supposed to be, is nearby. He wore his school uniform everywhere, even though he is supposed to take it off at night, but it offered him pure confidence, and at times, arrogance. He likes to be complimented, just like any other 8-year-old. He is so much fun, and has an intelligent sense of humor. He is always the one that sticks around until the end - when the rest of the boys have gone back to work, Rakesh is still hanging out, asking for chocolate or begging to race. He knows his brother and his friends will take care of him, and I admire his trust and his ability to let go and enjoy the sweetness of life.
Mmmmmmmm.
Peace.
A few days ago, my choir and I performed a few songs at a meeting for the Northeast Minneapolis Alliance for Peace. The crowd was small, and they were all over the age of 60, I'd say. As we were singing "Imagine," I looked up and saw one of the women with her eyes closed, and a small smile on her face. A lot of the other people looked really happy, and some looked thoughtful. I'll be honest- a few weren't paying attention at all. When I looked around, I realized that was the clearest I had ever seen peace with my eyes. I watched the one lady throughout most of our songs- I watched her close and open her eyes, it seemed like she was letting these words of peace become a part of who she was- like she was breathing it all in and focusing on becoming peaceful. In watching her, I too, began to feel the words I was saying instead of just singing them. I wanted peace. I realize now, and after that night that peace comes from within. It shouldn't feel far away- it shouldn't be a far off goal as much as it is a way of living, and thinking.
Peace isn't about ending wars, or banning guns necessarily. Our people must work at becoming peace before we try to create it. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world can live as ONE.
This is the first instalment to many writings about this weekend.
Our fire was our life.
It was absolutely central to our survival.
When Saturday night came around, I got to thinking about
fire,
and things like it.
Here and now, we don't use fire like it was used in years before, we chose things more convinent, like space heaters, or heat from Xcel Energy.
Here and now, we stay in our boxes- cars, houses but when things of the world are taken away from us,
we get back to the things we need.
I was with a friend I have known for 2 years.
I feel like I experienced Craig's personality more over this weekend than I had the chance to in the 2 years we spent together.
Out there- nothing is in the way. We sat next to the fire. When we weren't 100% focused on staying warm, or when we weren't talking, we were enjoying the quiet.
We burned illusions in the fire.
Along with arrogance and the idea that we can handle this world on our own.
All of the distractions were gone, with no chance of getting in the way, for 3 days. We helped each other out, because we were all on an equal playing ground. Gaurds came down. None of us had anything.
Sure, we were in Wisconsin and if we listened hard enough, we could have heard a car drive by every once in awhile, but I was in survival mode.
It was all about staying warm, keeping the blood moving, making sure everyone around me was still alive.
It's when we live life simply that we began to understand that is the way life is meant to be lived.
Our society is a dangerous place to be if you are fighting against consumerisim, and the desire to always have something bigger and better. It's a hard place to be when you are looking for something uncomplicated and pure.
My inital reaction back to civilization was the heat in Craig's car.
It was much warmer than the fire, and there was less risk of smoke in the eyes,
but for some reason,
I love that fire way more.
"Perhaps it's in the nature of his temperament, to look with caution upon cleverness and certitude and never to be too determined to predict the destination of a journey or conversation."
That was said about Mr. Rogers. I love it.
My temperament:
has changed drastically over the last year. With 4 inspiring months in Nepal, a brother who is in Afghanistan, working two lovely jobs, and countless conversations that have shifted my perspective, I can say confidently that I am looking cautiously at certitude. It's making me a more peaceful person. It helps me listen- I love talking to people everyday, because I've gotten to a point that I am not looking for a purpose, there is no selfish motive in my interactions anymore. I just want to listen to people and try to understand how thier experiences can make us all better, starting with me. This year has taught me to move slow and take it easy. Bigger things have taken over- like that battle Eric was in, or the goodbyes I had to say to my family and friends in Kathmandu, or spending two days a week with Tim. Slowly but surely, everything that has happened recently has translated into an understanding that life is meant to be enjoyed, and it can be enjoyed in the most simple of places.
With this understanding, the idea and process of "letting the wind carry you" has worked its way into who I am. I used to predict my destination all the time. If I didn't have a plan, I felt uneasy. I wanted to know what my life was going to be, I was constantly looking forward to the next challenge I had to take on in order to keep myself and those around me on thier toes. If I was satisfied- I was annoyed, I was always pressing to be in a place of dissatisfaction.
This is a better way of living. I am so happy. Shitty circumstances arise, for sure but nothing can change my world, because I'm taking it day to day. I enjoy the kids at work- I give myself the chance to listen to the funny things they say. I am in love with my family- I've begun to see them as individuals and not just my mom, dad, brother and sister. Everything is beautiful, and I think it has a lot to do with the idea of "not being too determined of a journey."
