December 28

(Reason number three)
Sanjay's raw boyhood. His seriousness and his deep raspy voice. I've always felt like the two of us had our own special bond, or understanding. He has an adorable laugh, and he always tries to hold it in. Sanjay was the first of the group to captivate me, and we spent the most time together the second summer I spent in Nepal. He holds me accountable to going back, even if he is India now. He loves being silly. I saw big changes in him after going back after 6 months. He was much taller and much more mature and grown up. He is a picture to me of how the lifestyle of these boys can rob childhood very quickly. I remember when the boys told me that him and his family were going to India, and the Thursday that would've been our last time spent together, he didn't show up. I made his brother, Bintu take me to their home. Sanjay was there, with his mother and father. His father was smoking hash, and his mother seemed rough around the edges. He was so embarrassed that I was there, and he held back his usual excitement. It really broke me. When I first met him, I was struck with how similar he was to the average 8-year-old, he was fascinated with paper airplanes and stickers, and when I saw him with his family just 6 months later, he seemed so much more serious. I'm not sure where he is now, or how he is doing. I hope he is in school, because I know he would thrive. I know that he changed my life, and taught me about loving with no reservations. I'm holding onto the hope that I will get to see him again.

December 19

(Reason number two)
This is Bintu and I only a few seconds after we had reunited for the first time in 6ish months. I love this picture, because it brings me back to those moments. We are on our way to find the other boys- you can't tell but we are both more excited than ever. When he saw me, he looked up- we made eye contact and he said.... "Kelsey??" I said, "Bintu?!!" And he said, "Lets go find Sanjay, Rakesh, Mukesh, etc, etc." When he saw the boys, he turned around to me and gestured to be quiet, because he wanted to be the one to tell them I was back in Thamel. Bintu's smile is stunning. He is so small, and such a thug. He has the strength of ten men, because his heart is pure. He protects everybody, and his love is masked in brutality. I always felt safe when I was with him, which is silly, because I tower over him. Bintu was born a leader. When he talks, everyone listens, even though even the boys younger then him, are much bigger than him. Everyone looks to him for direction, and he is easy to trust. This would have been the only time we ever held hands- like I said, he is much to tough for that. He is hilarious, and the maturity of his sense of humor matches his persona well. His is the rock. He can't be moved. He is not selfish, he is constantly making sure everyone is okay. He is cautious of new people, and it took awhile for him to let me in. He lets you know you better earn his trust. He makes it clear that he is smart and isn't going to let anyone pull the wool over his eyes. If he is loved, and grows in positive ways, I have all the confidence that he can change his nation. He possesses power that doesn't make sense. He has been living in oppression that typically leads to feelings of powerlessness, but he has risen up and I pray he continues to do so.

December 14

These next few are to answer the question to myself and others,
"Why do you love Nepal so much? What keeps you going back??"



(Reason number one)
Rakesh's sweet, sweet spirit. He knows he is a stud, and he knows his smile can get him just about anything he wants. He is one of the youngest out of the boys, and though he would like you to believe he is just as tough as the rest of them, I can tell that once he feels safe with you, all he wants to do is feel close. He loves holding hands, and is constantly making sure that whoever is supposed to be, is nearby. He wore his school uniform everywhere, even though he is supposed to take it off at night, but it offered him pure confidence, and at times, arrogance. He likes to be complimented, just like any other 8-year-old. He is so much fun, and has an intelligent sense of humor. He is always the one that sticks around until the end - when the rest of the boys have gone back to work, Rakesh is still hanging out, asking for chocolate or begging to race. He knows his brother and his friends will take care of him, and I admire his trust and his ability to let go and enjoy the sweetness of life.

December 14

Mmmmmmmm.
Peace.


A few days ago, my choir and I performed a few songs at a meeting for the Northeast Minneapolis Alliance for Peace. The crowd was small, and they were all over the age of 60, I'd say. As we were singing "Imagine," I looked up and saw one of the women with her eyes closed, and a small smile on her face. A lot of the other people looked really happy, and some looked thoughtful. I'll be honest- a few weren't paying attention at all. When I looked around, I realized that was the clearest I had ever seen peace with my eyes. I watched the one lady throughout most of our songs- I watched her close and open her eyes, it seemed like she was letting these words of peace become a part of who she was- like she was breathing it all in and focusing on becoming peaceful. In watching her, I too, began to feel the words I was saying instead of just singing them. I wanted peace. I realize now, and after that night that peace comes from within. It shouldn't feel far away- it shouldn't be a far off goal as much as it is a way of living, and thinking.

Peace isn't about ending wars, or banning guns necessarily. Our people must work at becoming peace before we try to create it. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world can live as ONE.

December 8

This is the first instalment to many writings about this weekend.

Our fire was our life.
It was absolutely central to our survival.
When Saturday night came around, I got to thinking about
fire,
and things like it.
Here and now, we don't use fire like it was used in years before, we chose things more convinent, like space heaters, or heat from Xcel Energy.
Here and now, we stay in our boxes- cars, houses but when things of the world are taken away from us,
we get back to the things we need.
I was with a friend I have known for 2 years.
I feel like I experienced Craig's personality more over this weekend than I had the chance to in the 2 years we spent together.
Out there- nothing is in the way. We sat next to the fire. When we weren't 100% focused on staying warm, or when we weren't talking, we were enjoying the quiet.

We burned illusions in the fire.
Along with arrogance and the idea that we can handle this world on our own.
All of the distractions were gone, with no chance of getting in the way, for 3 days. We helped each other out, because we were all on an equal playing ground. Gaurds came down. None of us had anything.
Sure, we were in Wisconsin and if we listened hard enough, we could have heard a car drive by every once in awhile, but I was in survival mode.
It was all about staying warm, keeping the blood moving, making sure everyone around me was still alive.

It's when we live life simply that we began to understand that is the way life is meant to be lived.
Our society is a dangerous place to be if you are fighting against consumerisim, and the desire to always have something bigger and better. It's a hard place to be when you are looking for something uncomplicated and pure.

My inital reaction back to civilization was the heat in Craig's car.
It was much warmer than the fire, and there was less risk of smoke in the eyes,
but for some reason,
I love that fire way more.

December 1

"Perhaps it's in the nature of his temperament, to look with caution upon cleverness and certitude and never to be too determined to predict the destination of a journey or conversation."

That was said about Mr. Rogers. I love it.

My temperament:
has changed drastically over the last year. With 4 inspiring months in Nepal, a brother who is in Afghanistan, working two lovely jobs, and countless conversations that have shifted my perspective, I can say confidently that I am looking cautiously at certitude. It's making me a more peaceful person. It helps me listen- I love talking to people everyday, because I've gotten to a point that I am not looking for a purpose, there is no selfish motive in my interactions anymore. I just want to listen to people and try to understand how thier experiences can make us all better, starting with me. This year has taught me to move slow and take it easy. Bigger things have taken over- like that battle Eric was in, or the goodbyes I had to say to my family and friends in Kathmandu, or spending two days a week with Tim. Slowly but surely, everything that has happened recently has translated into an understanding that life is meant to be enjoyed, and it can be enjoyed in the most simple of places.
With this understanding, the idea and process of "letting the wind carry you" has worked its way into who I am. I used to predict my destination all the time. If I didn't have a plan, I felt uneasy. I wanted to know what my life was going to be, I was constantly looking forward to the next challenge I had to take on in order to keep myself and those around me on thier toes. If I was satisfied- I was annoyed, I was always pressing to be in a place of dissatisfaction.
This is a better way of living. I am so happy. Shitty circumstances arise, for sure but nothing can change my world, because I'm taking it day to day. I enjoy the kids at work- I give myself the chance to listen to the funny things they say. I am in love with my family- I've begun to see them as individuals and not just my mom, dad, brother and sister. Everything is beautiful, and I think it has a lot to do with the idea of "not being too determined of a journey."

November 29

This idea started out as:
backwards,
twisted,
ironic.
But as I think more and more about it, it actually makes perfect sense.

I was in public school for 12 years. 12. Over half of my life.
Today, I talk to 1, 2, or maybe 3 people that I met over those 12 years. I talk to them on occasion. I never have meaningful conversations with them, I never feel quite comfortable when I'm with them.
My senior year of high school, upon returning from a summer trip to Nepal, I knew I couldn't even bare one more year. So I switched to an alternative school in St. Paul. I started out intimidated, shy and I felt completely out of place. All that being said, I had this gut feeling that if I stuck it out, I would learn a lot.
I did. Oppurtunities presented themselves, the director of the school got me obsessed with politics, which has turned into a life-long thing, I finally had the chance to create; to use the part of my brain that had been in opression by the public schooling system.

But, it didn't, and it hasn't, stopped there.
Everyone that I became friends with at Jennings was SO completely different. I was with one of my friends the other night, and talked to another one of my friends last night. I read something that another girl had posted on the internet, and I've just begun to realize, each friend that I gained from being at that school, is brilliant. They are the ones that stand out to me as thinkers. They have lived through hellish circumstances, and they have come out of it with something to say.
The reason the thought started out ironic is because the school is an alternative program. There is no painful application process, we weren't sorted through- anyone is welcome. We all found ourselves there, and the "man" would never give our school the time of day. It's not about a 4.0, nor is it about the student who does community service in thier spare time. It's the drop-outs, the kids who the mainstreem couldn't handle, the offbeats.
My measurement of intellegence is not skewed. I have had conversations with so many different people, my life is filled with human interaction. I don't spend too much time with people that the world counts "sucessful" because life has proven that there is not much for me to learn there.

I feel so much when I think about how backwards the systems in our country are,
but one thing I feel for certain is thankful.
Thankful that I got out of there, even if it was only for my last year. Thankful that I had the chance to meet these people, and thankful that Jennings was a part of my journey of opening my mind.

November 21

So, there is this kid at my daycare named Abby. Abby is almost always a hot mess. She just turned three, and she is in the middle of potty training, she always wets her pants and gets called out in front of everyone. She never eats her lunch like she is supposed to, she wears WEIRD outfits, she always has her socks tucked into her leggings, which are usually patterned and not flattering in the least. She is always singing, or reading books to herself in the library. She says the most bizarre things, and her peers don't really seem to get her. But they do love her. I'd love to be able to be more like Abby. She is all that she is, all of the time. My co-worker and I speak of her demeanor as "flying above." The other kids are much more "normal" compared to Abby; quiet, collected, under control. Abby goes from singing joyfully about stars and her sister to full blown tantrums in less then a minute.

Abby don't hate. She loves herself, and indulges in her freakishness. In doing so, she is blind to the freakishness of others.

That's the ticket.

November 18

I have a crazy addiction to suffering.
Strange, right??
I thought this was how it was for everyone; that everybody became alive while standing in the middle of pain, brokenness, poverty, and simplicity.
I have 20+ pictures hanging in my bedroom proving that I am clinging to a simpler place. Before going to Nepal, I remember writing, "I don't think myself here would even recognize the person I am when I am standing in the streets of Kathmandu." I'm alive, inspired.
Here's the best part:
I just realized I am alive here in America too.
I often think that living in a place this technologically advanced, this materialistic will be the death of me.
But as I was thinking my disorganized thoughts in the car the other day,
I thought:
I should just indulge in this suffering, the suffering of being away from them. And the suffering of being in a country that doesn't make sense to me, being in a place where I almost always feel I don't belong.
It's not as morbid as it sounds. It's a beautiful struggle, it's being in a place of dissatisfaction. I hate apathy and in order for me to survive, I must have something to fight for, something to be passionate about.
This doesn't make any sense at all, does it??

October 25

It's quite strange and frightening to realize how unconnected with our world we are.
Almost everything around me was made by man,
and most of my ideas were shaped by the man-made world around me.
I was thinking the other day about when I went to Lela and Bhim's village with them.
I drank the village water,
water that came straight from the earth,
and my system reacted poorly to it.
That's strange.
The village life is an incredibly pure way of living, the food you eat it is the food you harvested. There is no schedule, if you aren't farming, you are engaging in human interaction.
In meeting Lela's mom, I had a desire to have a simpler mindset. She was so loving, and pure. She wasn't trying to please me, she only offered me what she had.
It's a hard thing to try to explain,
but I'd like to work on getting back to roots of the core of our humanity.

October 23

Ahhh.

I had an incredibly peaceful evening.
Tim and I went for a walk in the sort-of rain, and listened to Beyonce on Pandora.

We stopped first at a South Asian grocery store, and Tim acted really impressed with everything- especially the onions. I would push his wheelchair by a pack of biscuits; whooa! We walked by some tea; whooa! A giant collection of Bollywood movies; whooa! It was a clash of my two favorite worlds- the one here- with people like Tim, and the kingdom of Nepal- there was Parle-G biscuits and Kukaree.

As we walked by the people in the store, I felt people looking at me the way I was looked at in Nepal. People just gaze at you. I don't know what it is, it's not a cold stare, but it's not especially warm either. I don't mind it, it's just one of those things. The store smelled ridiculously familiar, and I kept picking stuff up, and telling Tim, "I used to eat this everyday." He pretended to care, but I could tell he was thinking about onions.


After Tim got sick of it, (I don't know if I ever would have) we went to a hardware store next door. We both loved it, and we have big plans for Monday. We are going back to get a cobweb, some stickers, a few balls and some glow necklaces, all to hang up in Tim's bedroom. Tim has a fiery passion for hanging things up. He has random shit hanging from his ceiling, and he sleeps with balloons.

All of the events were peaceful on their own, but what always really gets me is when Tim says, "I'm happy." I got to hear it so many times tonight. When Tim's happy, I'm damn near blissful.

October 7

"Mama!!"

When I spent four months in Nepal, I went to a village everyday to spend time with nearly 20 children with disabilities. It was hard knowing what exactly the diagnosis for each child was, because of difficult communication, and also, because a lot of the time, I don't think anyone knew what a certain disability meant or looked like, or felt like- let alone know what the name for it was. I learned that it doesn't matter much. They are just kids, and more then medicine, they need love and respect and they want to have fun.

One of the kids, and I can't even think of her name off the top of my head, was not verbal. The only thing I ever heard her say was "Mama!" over and over and over. It's funny because you would think the one word she spoke would be in Nepali. It was also so enjoyable when men would come and she would address them by looking right at them and saying "Mama!" I would love to find out where she learned that word, and I would kill to know if there was a reason she spoke it contiunally.

The bus rides up to this village were an hour long. After I got off the bus, I would walk for 45 minutes all uphill. It was so tiring, and a lot of the time turned me cranky. After 5 minutes spent with the kids, cranky was the furthest thing from how I felt. The kids liberated me, they made me happy. They made me realize that the world is beautiful and uncomplicated. They showed me that it was about love, and simplicity. I enjoyed every second spent there.


"Mommy!!"

Since being home in the states, I have missed those kids a ton. I worry about them- I hope that their health is good and that they are dreaming big dreams and enjoying themselves. I think about them so often, and I am always looking for that inspiration that I drew from them. I miss their energy, and that feeling I got every moment we were together. Most ironically, I got a PCA job with a boy named Tim. He is also pretty unverbal, but one word anyone can hear him say over and over is "Mommy!"

I went to his house the other night, and we sat with each other. We danced a little bit, he bossed me around, and together we adorned his tiny wrists with every one of his sisters bracelts. On the drive over, and for many days before I went to Tim's, my mind was filled with stress. Mostly because of money, or things equally silly. I hadn't even spent more than 5 minutes with Tim before I felt inspired, and the furthest thing from stressed. Tim brought me back to the fact that life is simple, and meant to be enjoyed.

Two worlds. Two kids. Two languages. Same concept.

October 7

Eric's troop was attacked.
There were
8
men killed from the US army,
12
hours of solid fighting.
They killed
150
Taliban.
They lost everything-
computers, cameras, clothes, blankets and
friends; brothers.
They are in a safe place for
48
hours.
That should do it, right??
War is so inhuman. I hate it.
They fought for 12 hours,
8 American soldiers humans killed,
150 Taliban humans dead,
and way too much hate.
Someone better help us.

September 24

The joys of working at a preschool:

Kid one: I'm going to be a musketeer when I get older.
Kid two: Me too.

Kid: I'm goin on a boat.
Teacher: Oh, could I come??
Kid: Yea.
Teacher: Will I need a life jacket?
Kid: Yep, just go to the grocery store.
Teacher: Which grocery store?
Kid: Dunn Brothers.

Teacher: Good morning, Nico.
Same kid: They are out of scones at Dunn Brothers.

September 23

Our

chaos is a part

of our order.
Let us share in this struggle.

September 22

Some find pure joy in watching the same scene in the movie until they ruin a VCR.
Some find pure joy in making their friend's birthday special.
Some people swear out of pure joy, and obsess over crashing cymbals.
Some hang strings from fans.
There are those who are joyful seeing a movie they have never seen before.
Some find pure joy in being called Beyonce.

I, for one-
find pure joy
in seeing others
experience their joy,
however that may be.

September 17th

It seems to be,
that sorrow can move mountains.
Suffering, Pain, Vulnerability.
When tears
fall from our eyes,
there is no language.There is only emotion,
which is universal.
We all share it,
and when we share tears,
we share
that we need each other.
I remember
that one time that I cried harder then I ever have,
I was leaving my
family in Nepal,
and I walked into Bhimala didi's room,
she looked at me,
right
in my eyes, and said,

"What to do??"

I didn't have an answer,
but what we did do,was
hold each other,and
we cried.
Those tears were so sweet.
She handed me a little black plastic bag
with my favorite biscuits and a water, and told me to come back later,
even if only for a second,
because I had to say
goodbye to her son.
She saw that I loved her, I saw that she loved me,
we knew we were going to
miss each other
so much, and that it was going
to hurt.
For once, we
understood
everything the other was saying.

September 13th

I went to see President Barack Obama at the Target Center yesterday morning. He explained to all of us, how he & his administration are going to reform health care. He was inspiring, which was not surprising and he has me excited that we have a President who takes human rights seriously. I thought my heart would burst when he told a story, and ended it with:
if one voice can change a room,
it can change a city,
and if it can change a city,
it can change a state,
and if it can change a state,
it can change a nation,
and if it can change a nation,
one voice can change the world.
This world, and this country is full of cynics, but I have decided it makes sense to believe that we can. I really believe Obama wants to make this world a better place. I believe he is fighting for us. These are important and exciting times, and I am thankful to be on this side of the dirt .

August 30th

An ode to my father:

My dad's birthday is coming up, so it's got me thinking about him.
He
is a hard worker,
and I know that he would do
anything
for my mom, brother, sister and me.
I remember what I thought about him when I was little:
that he knows everything,
and is stronger and taller than
everyone.
Sometimes he will look at me and say,
"You sure are beautiful."
Both him and my mom are a picture of
unconditional love.
He offers what every dad should:
safety & protection. He worries a lot, and wants what is best for us.



When I think about my dad,
it's hard for me to not think about my friends who have never experienced any of
this.
For Rakesh,
who has only known his father to be
smoking hash and marrying new women every year.
It kills me to think of what he lacks when he lacks a father.
I am so worn out of loneliness,
but I understand that I can't substitute his father.
I can hope that maybe,
one day,
his father will decide to love him, and will see what an incredible human being his son is.
I can struggle with him,
and be his friend when he is feeling
alone.
This world is a hard place to be sometimes,
but it becomes easier
when we struggle
with
each other.

August 27th

August 22nd

A few days ago,
I watched this video of Eric's home for the next however many months.
It was so loud;
it wasn't the sounds of horns, or people screaming,
and I didn't hear sirens or babies crying...
in my world,
that stuff is loud.
The sound in Eric's world is that of constant open fire.
A giant volume, that is inescapable.
It was crazy to be able to see it in film. To see people moving around, and see my brother living his life in Afghanistan.
This man has traded his two bedroom
for a combat zone.
It blows my mind to think about the fact that we are all
citizens of planet earth,
and how different our lives are.
But, my own brother?? Who was born in the United States of America, and into a generation that has not seen war on home soil,
is suddenly in war.
I--
don't think I would stand a day. In fact, I am positive
I couldn't do it.
I don't like thinking about the things he has seen.
It's crazy to know what he has watched. And I admire his capacity to live under these circumstances,
day after day,
after day.
Minute, second, always.

And I used to bitch about this shit a lot:
until I got sick of being cynical.
But it would be a comfort to know that the lives of these men are being exposed by their media, but instead, we'll just be talking about who could possibly be the mother of Micheal Jackson's children.

August 13th

This is Sanju. Here, you can see him (sort of) talking about things that nobody, nowhere could ever understand, and after that you will see him obey my commands to do karate. I think he is a black belt. Or maybe not. He likes to pretend to talk English, do karate and steal my crap. And I like to be with him anytime that it's possible. One time we opened up a tattoo shop in our alley. In this video, you'll also see him.... snap, and show off his missing tooth.

August 10th

I saw a preview for "The Motorcycle Diaries" the other night,
and it described Che Guevara as "the most complete human of his time..."

So, I have started wondering what it would be like to be described as complete.
I am surely not there yet,
but in some ways, I feel complete. I found this something in Nepal, each time I go back, I find it more deeply.... and whatever it is,
it completes me.
Better yet,
it is completing me as I continue to become.
Che did good things, and he fought for people, for certain.

The other thing the preview said was, "Let the world change you and you will change the world."
I think that's what made Che complete--
he let our world change him.

So, as I consider my opinions, and mull over my ideas,
I like to pick out the ones that have been changed by the world.
My friend Jessica was in town this week, and she asked me,
"Why do you keep reading your journals?"
Now, I don't have this habbit of reading the things that I have written,
but I wanted to see where the world had changed me.

It's fun to see areas where I have had a plan, or an idea, or a thought-
and through people, places, or just the world, it got turned upside down.

August 2nd

I found this list I wrote 3-4 years ago,
I had decided to list reasons "why my life is good...."


1. I got a free Nintendo and Nintendo 64
2. My skin that was pealing has ceased completely
3. I have a fairly decent name, not like Sheila or Patty
4. There is no cockroaches in my house
5. I am going to China
6. I write letters to Angelina and Brad
7. I am on a first name basis with Angelina and Brad
8. and Ellen
9. My family is funny
10. My best friend pooped in a lake, and i was with her
11. I got my ears pierced, with decent sized bling for studs
12. I don't always smell super bad
13. I have seen and can testify that "Good Burger" is the funniest movie ever made
14. My sister has a double bed
15. I simply dominate at picking up every singe ring in Sonic
16. One of my bffs is 27
17. Another one of my bffs is 1

I had no idea I ever had dreams of going to China,
I now have a queen size bed,
+ 4 years to numbers 16 & 17,
Add a trip to Africa, and meeting my best friends in South Asia,
Minus Jon and Kate separating, MJ dying and the fucking Bush administation,

....and my life is still so damn good.

August 1st

You know when you look at someone- in their eyes,
and you know you are looking at
the tip of an iceberg??
You can tell they have so much in them, and you could spend your life discovering them?
I get that.
I had breakfast with a bunch of that type this morning.
It was excellent.

July 30th

Help me out said the minnow to the trout,
I was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth.
Help me chief,
I've got to plans for you and me,
I swear upon this riverbed I'll help you feel young again.
Not your every day circumstance,
Hummingbird taking coffee with the ants.


When I talk about beliefs with people, I realize that the one thing I will never stop believing in is a newer world. Whether it's politically, socially, spiritually, I believe that each day we have the chance to understand that everyday, the world is becoming a better place. Every time I wake up, it would be good to remind myself to love better, and learn greater things.

I have so much fun everyday. I enjoy the people in my life so much. It's not unusual for me to think that I am the luckiest person in the world. I have encountered the most beautiful, fearless people that have taught me what love feels like. People who stand in between myself and the harshness of this world. People who smile at me, embrace me, laugh with me, and sit with me. When I think of all I have, I am astounded and overwhelmed at where life has brought me. Those in my life now make me excited for what is on it's way. I love doing what I do, and I think for the last however many years of my life, I haven't let a day slip by without laughter in it, or at least a smile.

That's rich.

July 20

Consider me obsessed-

but sitting with them again, being with them again,

and listening to them laugh again,

is what I hold on to.

Life:

I have found that the less money you have,

and the stranger you are,

you and I will make good friends.

July 13

This whole life thing sort of, completely throws me off sometimes.

Most of the time, I feel like I am not really where I am supposed to be. I know I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing, most of the time. Does it seem like I know who I am?? Like I have identified my dreams, or like I am focused and aiming for something, besides marrying a doctor?

I live for love,
and nothing makes me happier then being loved,
or feeling wanted.

I have this giant desire to be different, but my desires are as ordinary as they come.

I am horrible at processing, and most of the time I think after I make the decision, and then I change my mind. I love feeling excited, challenged, and respected.

There is this feeling I get: when something good;
really good,
is coming.
It is the feeling I get when I am about to board a plane, or when I am marching in a peace rally. It's the feeling that comes when I get a tiny glimpse of the vastness of our world... when I realize how small my life is. I realize how small my life is, then I understand that I complete the universe. The person sitting next to me on the highway completes the universe, and every one of my friends completes this universe.

And, once Mother Theresa wrote, "What you can do, we cannot do, and what we can do, you cannot do, but together we can do something beautiful."

I hurt people a lot, I could spend my whole life apologizing. I get angry about silly things pretty fast.

But, I am here. I am on

this soil,

at this moment,

with these people,

and I can most definitely make the best out of that,
and enjoy this,

and do something beautiful.

July 09

The other day, a friend and I went to the Mall of America.
We ended up at a kiosk ran by a Nepali man, so I talked to him.
But he was shy, and awkward,
and wonderful.

He said that America was "okay."
But I bet he misses that place. I bet he misses the
tea,
smiles,
and the fact that everyone is family.

I bet he feels lonely here sometimes,
and I am sure he wishes people would invite him over to sit with them
more often.
I wonder if it bothers him when he thinks about how that damn mall has more money in it then he could ever dream up.
I am sure he wishes sometimes, that he could just be back there.
He maybe loves this place, and the opportunities to dream,
the freedom,
and the fact that the government isn't a complete mess.

But maybe,
every once in awhile,
he wishes he could be back in that place
where the rice is plentiful,
and friendships rule the day.

July 08

I wonder what you are supposed to say when someone tells you about horrible things going on in thier life. I wonder how you make them feel less shitty. I want to know how to display perspective in a conversation, so that when people leave me, they know that
everything will be alright.
Because I feel people, and I hate it when they hurt.
And I hate even more that I never, ever have anything to offer.

I don't even know how to make myself feel better.
I realize that there is a time for everything, and that everything comes in season,
and this season seems to be the one of
everything sort of falling apart in front of our eyes.

If I can't do it for myself,
I can't do it for others. When it comes to advice , the best thing I got for people living through harsh and bleak circumstances is to watch an episode of the Gilmore Girls. That's what I do. But I suppose it is different for everyone. For those who need to talk, I want to listen. For those who need to curse, I want to offer them some new swear words. For those who need to eat, I want to cook for them. For those who just need to be alone, I want to never bother them.

Because, hell, we need each other.

June 25

One of the finer things in my life is participating in the Minneapolis Voices for Peace. I had my first practice since returning to the land of the brave tonight, and I when I walked in, all the ladies applauded me. Diversity is such a beautiful thing, because we grow unevenly... some of us grow in one dimension and some in another. I love singing beautiful songs about peace, with women who can't carry a tune, women who can't hear much, women without much of the memories left, because the women in the Minneapolis Voices for Peace have taught me that life goes on until we breathe our dying breath. They continue to fight for what matters, and force their voices to be heard. They make me excited for what is to come, and they always give me hope. I am proud to be a part of them, and they also make me proud to be a part of this humanity, and this world.

June 23

To that mute man living in Kolkata,
You inspired me, brother. Your smile, and your outlook will stay with me forever because it changed who I am and who I am becoming. I've never been accepted by someone so quickly, nor have I ever met someone so joyful as you. You seem to feel the tug of life, and while I was with you, I wondered how it is possible that you and I are the same species. I want you to know that I have this idea that you have this incredibly important purpose, which is to bring that out-of-this-world joy to your city, and all of the people in it. I believe you have changed the world, are changing the world, and will change the world. Ironically, I never heard you speak anything with my ears, but you have spoken volumes into my life. Keep smiling, brother.

June 18

Inspiration.

This exalting influence.... when you walk away from an interaction with a new spirit. Spirit to change, and to make yourself better because of who you have talked to, what you have seen, the things you have heard, tasted or touched. It feels good. It is like a new breath, it keeps you unsatisfied with what you have, and forces you to desire more.

I find myself inspired by the strangest people. People like my friend Pabi, below. I was inspired by a mute man's smile once, it was really simple, but it changed some things for me. I am inspired by my favorite Indian boys, the way they love school, the way they have fun, and especially the way they love. I am inspired by my family, and the way they make me and other people laugh. I am inspired by laughter, and the thoughts and the ideas of others. I can be inspired by paintings, and especially photographs.

Danna Amma, and her bravery and faith that one day, things will be better.

Eleanor Roosevelt, and all of her ideas.

Violins.

People who know everything will be OK.

Maya didi, a woman who truly lives and loves for others.

Zach, and the joy he brings to everyone.

Hard workers, from anything to construction to office work.

People who bring out the best in others.

So You Think You Can Dance.

Holding hands.

Dancing in Africa.

June 14

Dear friend,

You are a teacher to me, and a teacher to the world. You are full of grace and sweetness. You are teachable and thirsty. You have been an amazing friend, and I am always encouraged when you are excited for me to come and be with you. You have such a kind spirit and a soft presence. You are not intimidating and it is easy for me to feel comfortable to be who I am around you. I think you offer that to all your friends you live with. I hope you dream, Pabi. I hope you imagine yourself doing great things, and going great places. I hope you don't think too much about your disabled body, and I hope you love yourself a lot. You were meant for amazing things. Thanks for being my friend, I love you and I'll never, ever forget you.

June 08

I am back among the Americans: the beautiful and harder-to-love Americans.

When our plane left Kathmandu, I looked out the window, at my favorite city on the planet and let myself cry really hard, and it felt really good. It is good to be back here though, trying to find a way of living in the United States that could honor my tea-serving, dahl bhat-preparing, beautiful, beautiful friends back in Nepal. I was thinking about things on the plane, which turns out, is a good place to think. (However it is a little bit harder to think when the man sitting in front of you is trying to convince you to marry his son, and saying things like, "Try my son, and you may have a chance... just try him.") I was thinking about how to tell my friends and family here about my friends and family in Kathmandu. I was thinking about how impossible it would be for me to try to explain in words what these people mean to me, and what spending 4 months with them was like.

It seems like it would be too much to say- too much to try and explain but I have discovered that the reason the explanations seem impossible is because it is too little to try and explain. I spent for months mostly just, sitting, and I did tons of laughing everyday. I sat, and I laughed and I talked with people. I have no idea why it was so sweet, I just know that it was.

I can do that same exact thing here, but for some reason, I realized it more and seized in more in Nepal. I will do that exact same thing here, until I get back there.

April 02

We are made of love;
and all the beauty stemming from it.
We are made of love;
and every fracture caused by the lack of it.

I feel free here, and I think it is because I am holding hands that belong to people who have my liberation bound up in their liberation. When we are together, we feel free.

I spend my time sitting with kids who have never been listened to. A lot of the times that is because they cannot be understood, or maybe they can't talk at all. But in sitting with them, and in just being there I have learned to understand their communication, and as I understand them, I realize, they understand me also. And that's about all I need. I love them.

February 22

Yesterday, I had three different meals at three different homes. When I went to bed last night, I thought about saying goodbye to these people, and this place where I could never go hungry, and never feel lonely. So much of Nepal is hell-- 10-year-olds snorting glue, porters passed out in the middle of the street, trash, pollution, desperate poverty. So much of Nepal is heaven-- community, laughter, thirst for knowledge. Friendships seem sweeter here, laughter seems louder, love seems more pure and I can feel it encompass everything. A glass of tea is not a glass of tea; it is someone telling me they love me and I am welcome to be who I am around them... at least that's what it feels like.

I hate it when people ask me why I love it here... because I could never explain the feelings I have towards this place. All I know is that I love it and I want everyone to feel it.

February 17

"Kelsey, can I please have a Fanta?"
"Well, I guess... but, only because you changed my life."

I don't think this girl will ever know how important she is to me. I don't think she realizes every moment that I am with her is a moment I would never, ever trade. She made me promise to her that I would come back to Nepal and see her- and her and her country continue to hold onto my heart. She has changed so much in the last 2 years, and I have changed also... but I still love holding her hand more than anything, and she still makes me feel how noone else has ever made me feel. Our friendship is one of constant bickering, and we rarely can get along anymore, but it is real, and we really, really love each other.

I will never be able to thank her for the things she has taught me, but I don't think she minds. We are just friends, that live halfway across the world from each other, and when we can, we like to hang out, eat and laugh together.

February 14

Oh, Kate... this is for you:

Kelsey: BIHM! How are you?
Bihm: Business is bad, country problems bad, water problems bad. I don't like Nepal.
K: Maybe you should go to India?
B: I don't like India.
K: How far away is your village?
B: I don't like my villiage. I heard about your president. That is a lucky black man. Most black people, I don't like. They don't look nice. They look dangerous.
K: Is there many black people in Nepal?
B: No. they are not allowed.
K: Bye Bihm.

February 08

When heaven meets the earth, may our heavy hearts untie;
may our bodies be light.

Heaven met earth in Nepal on February 7th.
I saw them. It was at the very moment that they were running at me screaming my name, that I knew how much I needed them. It was the walk home when I realized I never want to live my life away from them. I walked with thier hands in mine, and became myself. I did not need anyone or anything to measure my worth... I just know who I am when I am around them. I know what love is, and I know what it feels like.

February 07

I have been in Nepal for one week.
I feel like I left Minneapolis 7 years ago. Everything is so new, my life changed so drastically in the span of 20 hours. Talk about overwhelming.
My thoughts on Nepal, on my friends, on the things I am doing, seeing, hearing and smelling are too much to say right now.

So, I will say this:
As I was standing in the airplane that landed in Thailand, I looked around and thought so much about the hugeness of our world. Everyone looks so different; there is a monk sitting next to a Thai buisness man, who is sitting next to me. I thought about all of the thoughts I have, all my opinions, all my dreams. To learn those the dreams of those who come from such a different place than me... people that hold such different perspectives, is what I want to spend my life doing. Everyone has 2 eyes... think of all the different ways of seeing! Think of all the different ways of being. And, it's all at the same time. As I stood there, I almost could not breathe when I pictured the vastness. I could see it. I could see people thinking, and I had NO idea what was on thier mind. What a beautiful world.